A LIL' BAD

"Whatever you choose, however many roads you travel,

I hope that you choose not to be a lady.

I hope you will find some way to

break the rules and make a little trouble out there.

And I also hope that you will choose to make some

of that trouble on behalf of women."

- Nora Ephron

It hit me, that revelation, waking me up. Those words my friend said as a joke to another: "Not mad, just disappointed...Wow you're guilt tripping". And that has been me a few times in the past, I have subconsciously guilt tripped those whom I loved. In wanting to retain the 'good-girl' image, I would never say I'm mad (at them), I would only say I was disappointed (in the situation). Because 'mad' is such a strong negative emotion. But disappointment is like an evil clown, deceivingly colourful all over. Toxic. Passive-aggressive. 'Disappointed' is so often perceived to be an attack on a person, not on a situation, so one should be careful with the usage of the word. Words of negative emotions are sensitive to express. 80% of the time it will be perceived wrong. Communication is difficult, gosh this is why I can't deal with people sometimes.

JUST LOVE

"A lot of women don't know how to love because there's 
deep reasons for them not knowing how to love. 
And what I mean by deep reasons is deep and dark reasons." 
- Lil Wayne

I have loved and I have lost, twice. But I did not love entirely, I loved in fear. And with fear, love is driven to the ground. It took me to make my mistake twice to finally realise where I went wrong. My stages are in reverse and it confuses the hell out of them: in the first instance when I like them, I am comfortable and I am myself; but when we get to know each other more and I start really falling for them, I start getting scared and awkward and almost turn into someone else. This lingers for a fair few months and eventually feelings die off because how do you love someone who's not being themself? The person you were attracted to in the beginning is not there. And it didn't help with my confusing signs and a lack of communication. God, my communication was terrible! It's like the school-girl crush concept in reverse (comfortable first then shy). So where is the solution? Even when we could've been perfect (though it takes two to tango), am I just going to keep tearing down every single masterpiece because of my own insecurities? Thankfully, no, because I am finally liberated from the fear of vulnerability, set free by the experience of my first heartbreak which ironically now makes me fearless in loving, with gratitude towards everything that has happened to bring me here.