DARK ROSE

'The woman is the reflection of her man'
- Not Brad Pitt*

So I had a recent conversation with a dear friend, K, about his long term relationship with his girlfriend. It is remarkable how long they've been together but he tells me that recently his relationship had hit a rough patch and they almost broke up right before their anniversary. Most relationships fall out for the same reason, things get 'boring'. After so many years, it is easy for the spark to be lost from time to time. And hence it is constant work, relationships aren't easy. Many people know this, but how many people really know this. Anyway, the discussion I wanted to share here is not about regaining the spark (because even I am still trying to figure that part out) but rather to discuss the certain things he said in reference to things he didn't like coming from his girlfriend:

1. "She'd get cranky over small sh*t"
Okay, let's start off with something about me: I don't like controlling people, I don't like telling friends what to do. If they want to drink something gross that will probably make them sick, I let them because it is their decision. All I will do is let them know my opinion, why I think they shouldn't do it and then let them do whatever they want to do. I think this is a good level of showing you care about someone while still respecting their own choices.

And that being so, I would never be the 'controlling girlfriend'. The only reason I ever become remotely controlling is because of this: I sense your feeling has changed. As girls, sadly we will start over-analysing everything, and hence 'get cranky over small sh*t'. Because the small sh*t is actually a reflection of bigger sh*t going on. Our instincts are accurate, we can sense when your interest in us dives and in trying to protect the relationship, we subconsciously take the wrong route, and that is to limit your freedom. But then again, there is no right route either. In continuing to provide you with boundless freedom you'd just end up going off with someone else. We can't win. Relationships are constant work, and it's work from both parties. The guy needs to respond to the crankiness with love and reassure the girl that he's not going anywhere, hence diffusing the situation and the girl will go back being the care-free, happy, loving girlfriend. Hence the saying: the woman is a reflection of her man.

If you are in a long term relationship, when sparks die off a bit and you guys stop being as loving and caring, the spiral will begin. I assure you. So boys, instead of reacting to our sensitivities with displeasure, my tip is to 'react to it with love instead'. Try and get back that spark, and love and care again. Reassure us that you still care about us, whether with words or actions (not demanded by us). For the girls, we should keep the communication open, try not to express your thoughts with negative emotions attached. Be level-headed.

So remember this, when a girl starts reacting to small things, it is because she feels insecure about the way you are feeling towards her (do not confuse this with people who are innately insecure about themselves though). Don't fuel this insecurity by acting negatively towards her. Always react with love, you can never go wrong with that.

2. "If something is on a girls mind... don't tell a guy the opposite"
"And that we should read your mood and body language sh*t. Its very confusing and pisses guys off. It's not good for relationships." Correct. But let me explain why girls may sometimes say one thing but feel/mean another. For me it is because I don't want to make a big deal out of something potentially small. Sometimes we feel like we just need to bite the bullet and not say anything because words may not help the situation. Say you want to do something that we are really not happy with you doing, but your decision is pretty much made up. Or maybe you've involved another person with your decision in which case changing your decision now affects more than just yourself. What's done is done, but we are still going to feel sh*t about it. Don't blame us for having emotions even though the situation may not have been completely in your control. And often us voicing our emotions and you guys not doing anything about it except just 'listening and nodding' just makes the whole situation even sh*tter, because it's like you don't care. Biggest tip to all guys out there, a girl's mind predominantly revolves around this one issue: 'Does he care about me?'. Every single issue you fight over comes back down to this basic idea. So the solution is rather straight forward, just show her you care (whether by words, acts of kindness, gifts or quality time - whatever she responds well to).

Thinking back now, after knowing how important communication is, I'm no longer going to care how small the issue is, I'm just going to voice my emotions as rationally as possible. If we're compatible and he cares enough he will learn to deal with my mind and emotions. Sometimes the small problem is a sign there's actually a bigger issue. It's good to address the small ones before it eventually blows out of proportion. Hiding complicated thoughts hoping to make the guy's life easier does not work. Your complicated thoughts simply subconsciously get transferred into your actions, ones that he struggles to comprehend. "Why is she talking to me in such a cold way today?" Because she's still upset about that time you chose your friends over her. Talk it out, despite knowing your emotions are an irrational response to a situation he potentially had no control over, you can't help how you intuitively feel, and he deserves to know why you're being the way you are to him. So just be honest.

Tip to the guy: If you want a good girlfriend, it begins with you. Shower her with enough love and attention and she'd be the best girlfriend in the world. Be open minded in trying to understand her, instead of condemning her for being difficult. Women's minds are like jumbled wires all held in one compartment whereas men's minds are all compartmentalized. Respect that difference.  

Tip to the girl: Be honest and communicate openly. Don't worry too much, if he cares enough he will respect your honesty no matter how wild it is. You're doing him a favour by helping him understand you. And try not to react negatively about the 'small sh*t', just communicate rationally why it bothers you and maybe it'll make you realise a deeper issue you actually have that he needs to know about.

On an end note, please check out a recent interview I had the pleasure of partaking at Coshio.

Lucy Suede Skirt /  Lareina Floral Top /  Lareina Burgundy Boots

*Read the full quote here, not sourced from Brad Pitt.