Tuesday, 20 September 2016

SPECTRUMS OF RED

“Red is such an interesting color to correlate with emotion, 
because it’s on both ends of the spectrum. On one end you have
 happiness, falling in love, infatuation with someone, passion, 
all that. On the other end, you’ve got obsession, jealousy, 
danger, fear, anger and frustration.”
- Taylor Swift


In this world there are three types of people: (1) those who date for fun, (2) those who don't waste time dating unless they see some future value in them, and (3) those who don't date but only have sexual encounters.

If you are the small proportion of the population who is like me, who fall under the second category, the world is a jungle. The third category of people are easy to avoid, their intentions loud and clear, and for that I have much respect. They know their time is valuable and they know what they want, that is something the second and third categories share in common. It is the first category of people that you are prey to.

No hating at all, as there is nothing wrong with people who fall in any of the aforementioned groups. I have really close, dear friends who fall in each of those categories, so I understand their mindset all too well. They're all good people, kind even. It is merely a preference and sadly sometimes we, the second category people misunderstand and fall right into the clutches of the first category people who end up eating our hearts out. Kind but dangerous people they are.

Holla to the second category people! For being the ones who love from the get-go! Those who have the privilege to be called your boyfriend/girlfriend are lucky, because you've thought clearly about them. To let them into your life, you clearly see beyond the mere physical attraction, or chemistry even, you see their true worth as a human being, you have mad respect for them from the very beginning. This is why you let them into your life, because you see them as a worthy investment of your valuable time and that is a real compliment to them. But this is also what makes us more prone to heartache, because we see more value in them than they see in us. Sadly some are too blind to see the value that you, yourself, see in them. The love you are capable of giving is beyond pure, it is mature and transcendental. But their maturity level is not ready to accept that kind of love you are capable of.

As we grow older, the first category, with its dominating population, start to dwindle, and so too do those of the third category. The survival tip for those who fall under the second category is to date someone older, because hopefully they're more likely to be more mature. If you date anyone of a younger age, make sure you understand clearly what their mindset is: which category do they fall under? It is often so difficult to figure out though, and sometimes we feel like taking a risk. We see the value in these first category people, we don't want someone else snatching them up, so we hope to ride it through with them until the end (when that maturity hits), with fingers crossed that their lack of maturity doesn't sabotage the remarkable potential between the two of you. You play with fire, you either get burned, or you experience the exciting warmth.

And I would like to be clear here, second category people aren't necessarily crazy, clingy people (though they do fall into this category as well). Category 2 people aren't necessarily caught up in the future and don't know how to appreciate the present. We understand each relationship brings lessons, we just aren't purposely set out seeking for these hard lessons. Sure they like to see a more clear future than those of the other two categories, but they also understand that people are people: complex, ever-changing homo-sapiens. So don't confuse the entire second category people with speedsters, those who talk about 'how many children you want with them' on your first date. Second category people are also still trying to get to know you, they too will take things slow. They understand the possibility of incompatibility but they also understand the concept of working it through and making things work"A reporter asked an old couple 'How did you manage to stay together for 65 years?' The woman replied, 'We were born in a time when if something was broken, we would fix it, not throw it away...'"

For them, the whole process of dating isn't merely for fun, it is trying to find out whether you are a good future partner. They invest their time and money in you now to receive the happiness both for now and into the future. Whereas first category people are purely thinking about the 'now': whether they are presently enjoying themselves in your company. The requirements for their satisfaction, and hence purpose to stay, is entirely focused on a very narrow-minded, present-thinking manner. Nothing wrong with being narrow-minded, as long as both parties are clear on what it's all about: short term fun. I honestly do respect it is a personal choice. As one prefers to spend their Saturday night out clubbing, another prefers spending it playing video games or watching a TV series, and another may prefer it spent holding a temporary lover's hand and chatting with them in a restaurant. We are merely satisfied by different things.


Some say dating around teaches you a lot, about things like what you want in a life partner, and what to do and not to do in a relationship. Sure there is some personal investment returns in short term dating but it's not cut out for everyone. Not everyone can withstand a Category 1 lifestyle, the ability to be detached from emotion when the time calls for it. That's pretty much the prerequisite. The ability to be fully emotionally invested in the present, then up and leave, and be fully emotionally invested in the very same way with the next, with no thought of future consequences. Stranger to lover to stranger. To me it's an exhaustion of money, time and emotional pain. I applaud those who have such a brave and honest heart to live such a lifestyle.

Category 2 people do not enjoy spending time on lovers that will never transition into life partners (Category 3 people are the same). For them they'd rather waste their time binge watching a TV series or catching up with sustainable friends than on lovers who come and go like the wind. Lovers can take up so much of your time and money, more than any hobby would. But that's exactly what dating is to Category 1 people, a past-time.

Anyway, if you agree with what I say, in which I do not propose I am certainly correct in any way, here are some tips to find out what category you, your friends, or your love interest falls under:

Category 1: They are a serial dater. I don't mean going on one-off dates with various people, that can hint a little, but it's more obvious when they have had multiple relationships in a short span of time. That should send the alarms ringing.

Category 2: They are not a serial dater. Yes, the opposite of the above. These people are best defined by what they 'don't' do. They don't go on numerous dates with very temporary people, they aren't sexually active, they don't go into a relationship a few days, weeks or even early months after their recent break-up. For them it probably takes at least a year, for me it took two, but I have no idea how long it will take this second time around. When Category 2 people have a love interest, they don't dive straight in, they wait it out to understand the other person first. Because Category 2 people want to be sure they like the person for who they are, not the fluffy surface-value feelings they give them. This is another reason why it takes longer than days, weeks or months for them to enter into a new relationship after a break-up, because it takes at least a few months for them to get over the past and a few more months before they get to know the new person well enough to trust them, or trust their own feelings for them. Infatuation with a person could be a passing thing.

Category 3: They go clubbing every weekend. Or simply party more often than not. They enjoy hook-ups, the no-strings attached mantra. These people are not difficult to spot, they are up-front about their intentions. Nothing more than sexual encounters for them. No emotions attached. Satisfy their physical desires and be gone.

Despite setting out three distinct categories, I remind you that people are complex, ever-changing homo-sapiens. This means they may fall under one category, but over time shift into another. You could be dating a Category 1 person and during the relationship they move into a Category 2 person. Similarly one can change into a Category 3 person too, you know, the stories of those who have never gone partying before, but once introduced to that life, that high is all they ever seek. And let's not forget that a person could be both a Category 1 and 3 person at the same time! Sometimes the person doesn't even know for themselves what the hell they want, in which case it's unlikely you will know either. So it's complicated. Oh, is anything ever not complicated...


Well recently I was talking to D, the inspiration behind my vulnerability article: I Am. and he made me realise something, Category 1 people simply have a mindset more capable of handling endings, they don't view memories as bittersweet, they are simply sweet. I recall J telling me, despite the breakup, he was glad it happened and he does not look back at the happy times with a spec of sadness. Whereas Category 2 people would view them as bittersweet and find it harder to cope with endings because an ending is not something they want or are ready to accept, given how much value they placed on the relationship in the first place. Maybe it's good to learn a few things from Category 1 people. But also, don't force yourself to pretend to be someone you're not. I entered the relationship thinking I would pull off being a Category 1 person: carefree and don't-care-if-it-ends kind of mindset, in hopes that it meant when things did end I could brush myself off more easily. But when it ended I realised I held the hope that it would have been something more and ended up being just as hurt... So be true to yourself and your needs.

I am finally embracing the fact that if I were to be in a relationship, I need that person to be able to care for me, and knows how to show they care for me otherwise I'd rather be alone, and care for myself. I need reminders that they still value me because feelings dissipate. I don't want to be left guessing whether they're still committed to me. If you no longer like me, that's fine, just don't leave me guessing. I don't want to be wasting time on you if you no longer love me the way I deserve to be loved. I'm blunt, and often that gets me in trouble because I forget that not everyone can handle the truth like I can. But I can handle the truth. Tell me your feelings for me is a 7.5 out of 10. I'm cool. Tell me your mother doesn't like me. I'm cool. Sure the truth leaves me gutted initially but I won't hate you for the truth. I honestly admire people for being brave enough to be honest with me (Next fortnight's article: The Naked Truth). But if you still like me, reassure me with genuine kind words.

Boys, if you don't compliment or say nice things to a girl, how are they suppose to know you like or care about them? A compliment or nice word never killed anyone, just be a gentleman and keep your words classy. Vulnerability is daunting but if you don't drop your wall, no one will ever enter.



Dating is like going on holiday, you're at this new place for a short amount of time, and you experience the wonders of it, but you know eventually you have to leave. And to go on holiday is not a waste of time, because you learn a lot, about yourself, about people, about the world. The memories you make should not be bittersweet. The fact that the good times had to come to an end should not make it any less happy. But one day, one day you will visit a place so beautiful, so transcendental that you call that place your home, and you move there and you stay.

26/08/2016: 
        I know my own value... but I've been raised by a mother who puts her children and husband before herself, and now I too put anyone I love before myself.
        I express self love, but I've come to learn that whenever I fall in love with another, it is an extremely selfless love I profess. And when things end, I let them end only because I love them and want to set them free, not because I want to be set free from a person who doesn't know how to love me. I am still learning to garner the strength to cut people who no longer love me out. I'm an optimist and a part of me thinks I just need to give them one more chance...  
        When I am single, I am unstoppable, because no one is placed before me and that powerful love I am capable of giving is placed all on myself. But it is often so dangerous when I fall in love, that that love is lost on another...

Zara Red Dress

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