THE WHITE KNIGHT

"A good half of the art of living is resilience." 

- Alain de Botton

How could someone with such a soft heart for cartoon characters and animals be so heartless and act so merciless towards someone they once cared about, who is now crying and begging right in front of them? It is such a weird question but it reminds me that Hitler was an animal lover yet he killed millions of Jews. It is a reminder that a love and compassion for one thing is not a love and compassion for all. I guess I always thought there was a strong correlation, that one thing means a bigger picture and often I am left devastated. Extrapolating one small thing and correlating it to mean something bigger, grander, better... Know this, you should not put people in boxes, and when you learn that they are not who you thought they were, do not try to change them. You cannot change people. You can only offer your help and keep your doors open for them. Only we are the heroes of our own lives. We are our own white knights.

I need to learn to accept people as they are and not assume things of them. Just because they love children, animals, cartoon characters and their friends, does not mean they will know how to love you... and don't you ever (again) question yourself for thinking it's your fault. S taught me to know my own worth. But S also taught me my biggest lesson for 2016 and probably the biggest lesson for 2017, on the Eve of the New Year we missed our flight and I was devastated. I broke down emotionally, in front of her and in front of everyone. I was tired, I was exhausted, I missed home and I had nowhere in mind to stay that night. But S rolled with the punches, she was literally unflinched. That level of calmness took me equally by surprise. So on that Eve, I told myself I would keep this lesson in mind and aspire to be as close as possible to achieving her level of flexibility and calmness.

I first came across the lesson of moving forward instead of staying stagnant and emotional when I read: Who Moved My Cheese? I understood the theory of the lesson, that staying stagnant helps nothing, rather, you lose out by not doing anything when instead you could be moving forward. I took that lesson and I have implemented it every time. That's why when I realised our initial New Year's Eve flight was cancelled, I was shocked and emotional but I was all about action and I moved forward and booked the next flight out, almost regardless of price. What I failed to understand and implement is the 'emotional' part. I was moving 'forward' with emotion. That's why everything ended in quite a mess. My actions were driven by emotion and by the time I knew there was nothing more I could do but to accept my fate to spend New Year's Eve in Sydney, I was extremely emotional to the point of becoming stagnant. Once I realised I missed my flight I had no motivation to leave the airport and see the fireworks, even though our next flight was exactly 24 hours away. All I wanted to do was wallow in my own sadness until I boarded that damn plane. But honestly, thank God for S for dragging me out of the airport and making it a night of adventure to remember.

This lesson was in the back of my mind when something bad and unexpected happened early February while I was in Thailand. I am honestly an extremely careless and forgetful person. During my trip I have experienced leaving my bag on the plane and also my purse on the tour bus. The latter experience was worse as I didn't get it back, and had no idea if I was getting it back, for hours that night. I thought I had lost my phone for good and bad thoughts came flooding my mind. I was the same, I acted but I acted with emotion. I searched up the tour company online and called them 5 times, then I went to the hotel lobby and asked them to call the tour company in Thai thinking it would be easier in their own language. Eventually it was the same outcome: "We will get back to you".

The uncertainty ate me alive. I tried to ground myself by thinking what could be the worst thing in this situation? And I teared up in those hours as I thought about how I would need to buy a new phone (with an equally good camera) when my current phone is in great condition, and then how I would need a new number and have to change my details on all my accounts and the hassle I would go through. Plainly said, my overthinking mind sent me in a down spin. The thoughts of the future honestly didn't help me with my current situation. The only thoughts that did help was to use 'Find my iPhone' (which didn't work because no WiFi on my lost phone) or Uber across to the tour company 15 minutes away and ask them face to face for my phone back.

In that moment, wallowing in sadness in my hotel bed, I knew what I was doing: I didn't want to go out for dinner, I had no appetite or motivation to go anywhere. I just wanted to sleep. And I wanted to wake up and for everything to just be a dream. I was stagnant. Just like New Year's Eve. And that is not how it should be dealt like, because that is unproductive, weak and self damaging. The lobby called a few hours later saying the tour driver had dropped off my bag. Hearing that hotel phone ring was the light of my life and I was instantly lifted. I ran downstairs to grab my bag like a beam of boundless sunshine. Though it all worked out fine in the end, I had just experienced my first emotional roller coaster since New Year's Eve, and it reminded me to stay calm, not overreact with emotions and understand that worst things happen in life.

In order to succeed in life, you must always remain level headed at all times, especially when you get hit with the hard punches. During the bad times is when the true warriors rise up and shine. 2017 is the year I will focus on building my emotional resilience. On another note, I was rummaging through my old journal entries and came across one written back in 2014, 29th March. I hope this gives closure to many of those who have endured a relatively civil heartbreak but are still struggling in coming to terms with the separation:

Understand this.

Nothing is wrong with you.

Or him.

Nothing is wrong with anyone.

When someone falls out of love with you, it's hard.
We tend to think crazy things, that we are simply unlovable.
He seems perfect, you feel perfect, so why can't this be perfect?

We fail to think that they fell out of love with you

simply because he's not meant for you.

That you two simply don't connect well.

Instead we search within, thinking the problem is there.

Nothing's wrong, not him, not you. 

It's the connection. 

It just didn't work.
Simple as that.

There's only one person in the world,

who can love you the way you're meant to be loved.

This guy's just not the one. 

Understand this, part ways happily,

and be glad for the short joy he brought.

Don't be sad when he replaces you,

don't be jealous if he finds the one he connects with

before you do.

He once loved you, you once loved him. 

But it wasn't right.

You deserve love, from the right person...

but so does he.

When his time comes, be happy for him.

Because you would hope, when your time comes,

he'd be happy for you too.

I am all at once, suddenly very at peace with my past after reading this old journal. No longer bitter about anything that has happened, I am happy for everyone who has come and gone and no longer have negative thoughts for them. I am happy for them, for finding what they could not find in me. And I am glad for the short joy they have brought into my life. And so I hope that this little poem, or passage of whatnot, brings you peace too.

I refuse to act like a victim of my past, I refuse to be held back by memories gone. There is a fire inside me that I know everyone else shares, you simply need to nurture it. Face your past like a warrior, a knight, a hero. "Your fears are a prison that confines you within a limited range of action. The less you fear, the more you will have and the more fully you will live." I will not dodge my ghosts like there is something to fear within them. Be my friendly Casper and let there be peace between us, so that there shall be peace in our own separate futures.

White Closet Dress / Betts White Heels / Lareina Jewellery