ROMANTICISATION

"Oh, I never knew you were the someone waiting for me. 

'Cause we were just kids when we 
fell in love, not knowing what it was..." 

- Ed Sheeren (Perfect)

I love the unusual, the different, the unorthodox but it is a strange dichotomy that I am also a secret die hard romantic for the corny, cheesy stuff. Love is so commercialised these days that often young lovers break hearts in the search for something of silver screen dreams. When the infatuation dies off, you go off searching for a new high thinking something is wrong with what you had. But honey, nothing was wrong with what you had, what was wrong was you.

I have always been protective over hearts, my own heart and others. I was never a reckless lover, and I could never be a reckless lover. My own mother always calls me out for being far too considerate, to the point that it is to my own detriment. There are so many of my thoughts that she knows about, that the guys never did... I hope they never thought I was selfish. For me, I hate the mundane of routines but that could never be my reason for ending contact with potentials and relationships. I do not regret pushing away anyone in my life. I knew what I was doing and I did it early enough before either of us fell too deep. I did so to protect not only my heart, but their hearts too. I once thought, could getting my heart so damn broken be karma for the hearts I tore at in the past? But how could it be karma when all I did was my best to protect them too.

I'm not heartless and I do not wish to ever be seen as so. For them, they only see one side of the story, their story. What they didn't see are the nights crying into a pillowcase and waking up with swollen eyes, times crying on the shower floor hoping to drown away the pain. Yes I cried for the first lover as much as I cried for the second lover. I am not ashamed of my tears as they prove that I had a heart. So don't call me heartless. And for all those other girls out there who feel me, I feel you too. Tears fall, let them. But let the next day be filled with strength as you stand tall once again. You fell, but you are not fallen. And to everyone in general. Don't be a reckless lover. Having a broken heart is most possibly one of the worst feelings to ever feel. Don't go breaking hearts for your own selfish desire to feel loved.

When I first met L, he made a careless harmful comment about my relationship past. Something along the lines of "Oh, I'm not the type to date around like that." Sorry but neither am I. It wasn't my intention that they ended so early. It wasn't my intention to fall for each of them either. When someone shows me kindness, hardwork and intellect... and then throw in some vulnerability as well, the chemistry is just there. Each failed relationship feels like a failure to me. I didn't feel pride in the ending of relationships. And I never feel pride in entering them either. All those congratulations I received for finding someone special to me always felt empty to me. I step into each new one with calculated fear, all until a terrible heartbreak taught me maths was never meant to lie in the realm of love. And so I let myself fall for the next one, I didn't tie myself up with ropes hoping to hang off something in case it all fell through. This time, I let gravity do its natural wonders with no fear of hitting the possible cold concrete floor. What is there to fear now that I've been there.

L indirectly accused me for being the type to chase that high, a disillusioned romanticist. But I rest assure that I am not that type of person. My first steps into something new are often cautious, a fear of commitment, but once I'm in, I'm a fighter for it. I fought for my first and second until they let go. Commitment is a two way street. Find someone who fights for you just as you would for them. He was right when he said I would find someone who would treat me better than he would. More than one year on and here I am with that 'someone' and we are still going strong. You know you're enjoying yourself when you don't keep an eye on the time. I have no idea how long we've been together exactly and it's not important. For once I am not counting down the months and hoping to drag it on for a little longer because short relationships (to me) are a headline for failure and shame. For once he makes me feel lost in his company yet safe at home. It is such a cliché when they say "when it's right, it's right". But clichés exist because they are overused, and overused because they are correct. Sometimes I stare at him and think, "wow, I can't believe we are two separate people". We are so connected that often I get lost and forget that he isn't just me in an outer body form. It is so easy with him that there is simply no need to fight for anything. For two people who met and bonded over martial arts, not having to fight for once is a clean breath of fresh air. I hope my readers will find, or have found, their oxymoron. He is my oxymoron, and my moron too. xxx

Willow & Lace Navy Floral Dress /  Lareina Blue Earings / 
Lareina White Stiletto Heels / Lovisa Rings