LITTLE WOMAN

"Women have minds and souls as well as just hearts, 

and they've got ambition and talent as well as just beauty. 

And I'm sick of people saying that love is all a woman is fit for. 

I'm so sick of it! But – I'm so lonely!"

- Jo March (Little Women)

My favourite fairytale growing up was Cinderella. When I was young, I had always been that invisible, quiet girl. So I fell in love with the idea of love and finding prince charming who made me feel seen and feel like the most special girl in the world. And I grew up trying to become that perfect girl worthy of a prince charming and invested time and care and thought into my looks, my intellect, my morals. Becoming 'perfect'. Fantasising the moment I would meet 'the one', romanticising it all. But at 18, my family showed me that 'love' could kill you and at 19, my first relationship made me realise a relationship alone cannot keep you fulfilled for the rest of your life. 

So then I started to invest in myself for myself. I wanted more in life than just 'the love of my life'. I wanted control of it. I wanted financial stability and freedom. I wanted self sustainability and independence. But despite it all, I still believed in love and in starting my own family one day with a husband by my side. Fast forward 8 years and here I am with two relatively successful businesses while working a well-paying full-time job as a lawyer and in a 5 and a half year long-term relationship with someone I instantly felt like I knew all my life when we first connected (and now building a house together). Life seems good. I am lucky and I should be grateful. And I was. For some time... 

On my 25th birthday (2.5 years ago), I was so proud that I did not experience a quarter life crisis. Thinking I have always been so reflective and intentional with all the choices I have made in my 25 years of life thus far that of course I wasn't going to be like those 'other people' who had a rude awakening at a certain age waking up confused and depressed. But at 27 (with a mindset already stuck at 28) I experienced my life crisis and the most depressed state I had ever been in or thought possible. I sought professional help. If I had to, I'd blame it on COVID stealing 3 years of my 'prime time': the remaining years of my life where I can travel independently and be free, right before I get married and start a family as I had planned in my head.

What's the point of living if you don't even feel alive. In the three years of COVID, it was just one big blurr. I lost the zest for life. I hadn't experienced true excitement for years. And with everything pretty much planned out at this point... there was no excitement for the future. And I lost hope. And hope is what gives people the will to live. In a sense, having everything within reach (businesses, relationships etc.) became boring and I became ungrateful and discontent. What more is there in life. I lost hope that the future had more amazing moments yet to happen. And in it all, I felt so lonely. I started to question everything. My businesses, my relationships... I went into self-destruct mode for the sake of feeling something. My extreme thirst for excitement made me question whether I even wanted a long-term relationship, marriage, family and children anymore. Because what is a man to a woman these days? Back then a relationship was for financial reasons and support in society. Nowadays women can vote, make money, own a home, drive a car. As some stranger expressed it, a husband/boyfriend/partner is just a bestfriend you have sex with. We no longer 'need' a man so the question now is, do you even 'want' one.  

Feeling stuck, I craved to travel (and truthfully, also the idea of dating around), forever if possible. Just to leave, everything and everyone. I wanted to feel excitement and thrill at the expense of everything. I felt so dead, I just wanted to feel alive. And I began to surround myself with unsustainable distractions.

But after almost three years, I finally got on the plane for the first time and travelled interstate to somewhere I had never been before: Tasmania. It is the new and exciting that makes you feel alive and in the moment. But new and exciting is not sustainable. When you stay long enough, the new is no longer new and excitement will fade. In life you meet and connect with new people all the time and then never see again. And that is sad, but that is normal. It's like the people and places you will meet and connect with on your travels, you will never see again. And I knew deep down that seeing these places and meeting these people on my travels would bring me such wonderful memories and it gave me an exciting experience... but there is no need to hold onto that, to possess it. Because the possession of something simply because it is new and exciting will get old and dull very fast and eventually you'll leave and seek more new and exciting adventures. That is like meeting new people too. That constant search for the excitement in connecting with new people will leave you so lonely. But home is different: 

"A lot of people grow up with the notion that love should give you butterflies. This is false. Butterflies are a nervous reaction. Some of the nerves can be viewed as good but what it truly is, is uncertainty. Love should feel calm and safe... like home. You don't get butterflies thinking about going home, you just can't wait to be there." 

I'm learning not to wish away anything. Everything happens for a reason. Every action, despite thinking in retrospect that I would now do it differently, is a reflection of who I was (and not who I now am). We have to go through things to learn more about ourselves and to express our truth no matter how dark it is. I grew up wanting to be perfect and always played the 'good-girl' and wanted to be liked by everyone (no matter how impossible, I'd try). But I am not a saint and sometimes being bad feels good. However, I believe I am still good at heart, because I am trying (and that is all one can do). And I am constantly learning and reflecting. And I genuinely care about others. If anything, this life crisis taught me compassion for myself and others, and to be so much less judgmental of everyone else.      

As much as I grew up wanting to be this poised, elegant woman like Cinderella (and I still laugh at how once upon a time this was something I wanted), the truth about my nature is I am much more like Jo March from Little Women. I am a reckless, daring and outspoken tom-boy at home. I would say things that have gotten me in trouble many times (as a young child telling our neighbour's son that my older brother didn't like him coming over and telling my mum I didn't think she will win the lotto this weekend - none of them took the truths kindly). I liked to climb couches and tables, jumping off like I had a parachute on. I enjoyed heights and running around, throwing rocks and playing with snails and slaters. I am fiery and adventurous in spirit. Even now I feel like I hide much of that nature and it gets revealed in the form of boldness in my entrepreneurship (and controlled violence in Brazilian Jiu-jitsu). Who I am and who I want to be are not the same. And while I am not ashamed of my tom-boyish nature, I do not feel the need to brandish it around. I believe both natures can live in harmony within me. I genuinely love makeup, dresses and high heels. It is not inauthentic of me at all. 

With this passing life crisis, I have learned a lot more about myself, my nature and the things my childhood and upbringing can play in forming the personality I have today. And while I questioned at one point whether I even wanted a long-term relationship, marriage, family and children... I have learned what is important to me. Although I am a rebel and hate being like everyone else and as much as I love thrill and excitement, if I remove all the distractions and opinions of others... peace and companionship is important to me: a peaceful home (in a person) to return to after an exciting adventure out in the world. Family is important to me. Genuine deep connections is important to me. Feeling seen and loved is important to me. 

Travel to me has always been my best therapy. I love my freedom, and I love to leave home. But I will always come back to the people I love... and who equally love me. Travelling leaves me grateful for the home I have. It gives me joy to be returning to a place of warmth and comfort. It is a place of peace, a place where you have truly deep connections with people that will never leave (until death do us part). A place where you are truly seen and truly loved.

With wars in our minds, and everywhere else in the world, we should value love and peace above all.