JUST LOVE

"A lot of women don't know how to love because there's 
deep reasons for them not knowing how to love. 
And what I mean by deep reasons is deep and dark reasons." 
- Lil Wayne

I have loved and I have lost, twice. But I did not love entirely, I loved in fear. And with fear, love is driven to the ground. It took me to make my mistake twice to finally realise where I went wrong. My stages are in reverse and it confuses the hell out of them: in the first instance when I like them, I am comfortable and I am myself; but when we get to know each other more and I start really falling for them, I start getting scared and awkward and almost turn into someone else. This lingers for a fair few months and eventually feelings die off because how do you love someone who's not being themself? The person you were attracted to in the beginning is not there. And it didn't help with my confusing signs and a lack of communication. God, my communication was terrible! It's like the school-girl crush concept in reverse (comfortable first then shy). So where is the solution? Even when we could've been perfect (though it takes two to tango), am I just going to keep tearing down every single masterpiece because of my own insecurities? Thankfully, no, because I am finally liberated from the fear of vulnerability, set free by the experience of my first heartbreak which ironically now makes me fearless in loving, with gratitude towards everything that has happened to bring me here.

Thank you 'E' for providing me with the solution to my weird behavioural pattern, though it seems so simple to put into one word: 'Communication'. Communicate to him about my cycle so he's not left guessing: For anyone who ever dates me and tries to love me, be warned that my stages of falling in love may be in reverse. I won't be shy around you when we first meet, I will be my usual wild, talkative, bubbly self. But if we date in a serious way I will fall for you, and I may get scared (with good reason) and maybe a bit awkward. However, despite the pre-warning, I don't believe this reversed cycle will ever happen again, because I don't fear vulnerability anymore and I won't be shying away from loving someone in the fear of getting attached. From now on I will just display whatever emotions I feel and be real. However if the fear ever does creep back, I will be honest and up front about it since communication is key. I will share with you all of my wild interesting thoughts, whether it is about vulnerability or the fact that I hate that shirt you're wearing, because it's all about never leaving you guessing again. It is a shame that there is yet to be a guy who passes my initial falling in love stage, but now that I know how to love honestly, I am excited because things will be amazing the next time I choose to open myself up again.

Whether you're a guy or girl: Love openly, display affection. Who cares if I'm the first one to say 'I love you' in the relationship. Or who cares if it's you. Who cares what others think about the two of us being a couple. If only someone would have enlightened me earlier and told me not to care so much about what other people thought, it was so childish to have given so much weight to the possible voices of outsiders (though it is scary how easy and fast words can travel). Who cares... the relationship is between the two of us. There is a difference between keeping a relationship a secret, and keeping it private. And honestly, what's the worst that can happen? The worse that can happen is that you leave, like all the previous guys before you. It has happened before and it'll just keep happening until I do something different about the way I love, and that is to learn to love more honestly. Speak what is on our minds. I am so thankful for experiencing one month of one-sided love where I was placed in the position of having nothing to lose (because I had lost it all already) and there I found comfort in being vulnerable and real. It taught me that vulnerability will not kill you, it will only comfort you in knowing that you were true to yourself.

I guess all along my avoidance of vulnerability was an act of protecting myself from getting attached, and ultimately from my fear of having my heart broken. Being raised up with the traumatizing ideas of heartbreak (that there is a chance you will physically kill yourself) was like seeing your sibling cry when they got their vaccination right before you. And to finally experience it, yes it hurt, but you realise the fear was worse than the pain. You survive, and no, the scary ideas they raised you up believing were mostly lies. So call me crazy but to finally experience a heartbreak was extremely liberating. It was something I definitely needed. And I came to realise that avoiding being vulnerable didn't stop me from falling in love, it simply stopped the other person from falling in love with me. In fear we become someone else. So thank God I no longer fear anything. 

I used to think that being the special people who feel and care deeply is a curse, because you will always end up destroyed. But that is only because you care so deeply for another that you place them above yourself, that is when you end up destroyed. Never place anyone above yourself. However, to care so deeply for other people is not a curse. You receive what you put out. To be able to love so deeply is to be able to receive love just as deep. So love yourself at 1000, and equally love your counterpart at 1000. In my awkward falling in love stage, I was worried I'd love them so much that I'd end up prioritising them above myself (1001). I feared it so much that it resulted in me making it appear to them as if I didn't love them at all, as if they were a 0 (like hanging up on the phone to them just to go read a book, when what I really wanted was to continue talking to them. Don't worry, I won't be doing that again). But when we ended, there they were anyway, at the top of my priority list, above myself. I would never have ended up prioritising them in such a way if I didn't suppress my passion. In bottling it up, it only pushed them higher up on the priority list as a form of self-guilt. Instead I should have loved them with all honesty so that when one day it isn't reciprocated, it would be an answer to myself that there is nothing more I could do. It would then not be my fault that the daft man does not know how to appreciate a good woman.   

Anyway, I have become so enlightened by all of this and one can view it pessimistically and regret being the girl who made those silly mistakes, but why view them as regrets? Life goes on. It is too tiring getting stuck in the past. Negative emotions are draining. I want nothing but peace, and this only comes with accepting the present as it is. Only when you accept the present can you look towards the future with true positivity. None of that 'pretending to be happy' sh*t. Instead I am grateful for being able to see everything so much more clearly now, and it gives me nothing but hope that next time will definitely be different, and better. Because the beauty of it all is that these lessons learned will pay off ten-folds by making the next one so must more beautiful and easy. My mind is so damn clear now and my heart is so damn fearless it's crazy.

So what is the life lesson here that I hope everyone applies? Be real. Linking back to my Confident article, it is better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not. I, for one, was not completely myself. So be a b*tch if you have to, if that's the real you, because people appreciate realness more than anything. Screw being awkward, screw being scared. Be you, whether you are rude, demanding, needy or just plain weird, it is better you be any of those things than to be awkward, fake or reserved. From here forth there will be no more words left unsaid in a relationship, I will make sure I will say and ask whatever comes to mind with no apologies. Hold your seats because I am known for being quite blunt and that is something I will embrace. If you can handle my honesty, great, if not, move along.

So note to self: Just love. Have fun, love freely, and don't fear displaying your affections to them! Also remember, communication really is the foundation for a strong relationship. Another tip from 'E' included: when they do something you like, voice it so they know they did something right and can remember it for next time. I think on this point, it is just nice to be given recognition for effort made, whether you're a guy or girl. All in all, I have my mistakes, twice made, and to make it again for the third time will no longer be ignorance but an active choice. That will not be happening. I guess this is the silver-lining to break-ups, you learn how to be better for next time. Third time's the charm, yes? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe fourth time's the charm. Who knows! That's the thing, I don't care if we break up again. As long as we've tried our best to make it work, and we were real with each other. Date and just have fun and enjoy each other's company for what it is! Until then, I'll continue living large with my favourite people, going on advenchaaaas and building myself into the best possible version, inside and out! Yes, I'm talking about you winter abs! 

AA-Denim White Crop Sweater / Cotton On Maxi Dress