BERLIN: THE GREY CITY

"She sees 

in black and white

thinks in grey

but loves in colour"

- JmStorm

New Year's Eve spent in Berlin was the most extraordinary way to ring in the new year! Walking home after the epic main fireworks show at Brandenburger Tor, with continuous self-set fireworks left right and centre filling the sky with beautiful technicolour, was absolutely thrilling! It sounded like gunshots all around us, giving us a great sense of the historical World War II atmosphere that happened in this very path we treaded on as we made our way past the Reichstag, surrounded by hundreds of thousands of people marching along with us. There was over a million visitors who celebrated the New Year's Eve countdown at Brandenburger Tor, one of Europe's biggest street parties!

The Berlin experience was definitely a memorable one. We stayed in a crazy Airbnb home owned by a German-American music producer from Phoenix who invited us into his home and asked me to sing in his recording studio (which I profusely turned down). On New Years night, after welcoming New Years at the Brandenburger Tor, we made our way back to the Airbnb situated in Gruneward, home to some extremely rich residents with mansions upon mansions. And there we found our Airbnb host with his Japanese girlfriend popping champagne and setting off fireworks on the streets. We joined the festivities as he so kindly offered and then proceeded to go into his home to make 3am tacos with his mother screaming, "Are you burning down the house?!" across from some faraway bedroom.

This Airbnb experience also consisted of cleaning up the place ourselves on the first night because the host had held a Christmas party the night before we arrived and had no time to clean up. There was poor WiFi and no hot water for the showers (we resorted to boiling hot water and pouring the kettle over our bodies in the showers). It was safe to say we reconsidered ever booking Airbnb again after this strange experience, and thank heavens our next destination was Copenhagen with a hotel. Nonetheless I was grateful for this experience because it revealed to me my partner's ability to adapt to situations without a complaint in sight. It was through this experience which solidified the fact that I was in fact finally dating a man.

Around 5 years ago, I did not know how to love, so I wrote down a question - "There are so many dimensions to a person. How is it possible to love someone for all that they are: appearances, personality, vibe, mind?". It was an extremely valid question, because look at ourselves, we are such complex people with so many versions of ourselves, all of which are very real and authentic. I am not the same crazy, stupid, wild, outspoken girl I am around family and my partner than when I am around colleagues and friends. Though colleagues and friends see a fair glimpse into this other side of me, none have seen the full extent of it. At home I am the most comfortable, kicking ass. I guess that explains why I'm dating a man who kicks my ass and let's me kick his. Now ain't that true love?

It also explains why it never worked out for all my past relationships. Though there were clear faults from each one of us, one major problem included my inability to feel comfortable around them. They all fell for soft, feminine, sweet girls. They saw that side of me because that's the authentic self that I am when around friends and colleagues, I am less outspoken, far less violent and a little less funny and crazy. But that is not the authentic side of me when I am around family. And when I am around my partner I would like to feel home. 

Taylor Swift sings in 'Begin Again' about how "I think it's strange that you think I'm funny 'cause he never did." My partner laughs at me all the time, something they have never done. This is because I have never shown them that crazy stupid side of me before. Because their image of me is this well-composed girl which I never had the strength to disprove. I don't know why I have a different version of myself in the way I do, because I don't necessarily believe everyone has different versions like this. Many people are simpler and are the same around their friends as they are around family. Why I am like this, I have yet to comprehend for myself. However, I do feel these two versions of myself merging closer now that I feel comfortable showing this side of myself to more than just my family.

But honestly, heartbreak was the best and worst thing to have ever happened to me. Because it gave me the IDGAF strength to just be my ass-kicking self. Legit. Thai-kick-his-behind-whenever-we-are-together kind of relationship. I could never picture doing this to any of those I have dated in the past, nor could I picture them appreciating this side of myself. Because they were not violent. But I (and my partner) are. We bonded through Muay Thai and now both do Brazilian Jiujitsu. Hey, what more could you expect?  

So, to be frank, I'm happy for them. That they've found someone who is comfortable around them. Someone they can love. Someone who is more of the girl than I truly am. And I wish them all the future happiness in the world because we all deserve to be loved.

"You think they're all the same, but they're not. Some men won't run. I used to think they were all afraid of real life and of enduring the storms, but I was wrong. Some men won't run. Some are courageous enough to hold the umbrella so you don't get wet." - Alfa. Thank you universe for bringing me a man who holds the umbrella for me when I get out of the car.