RETROGRADE

/ˈrɛtrəɡreɪd/

adjective

"directed or moving backwards."

I am currently on the verge of losing it. And so I turn to writing. My sanctuary. Reading my most recent post it's crazy how in March 2020 I said "It's month 3 out of 12 and so far things are looking pretty great". Only one month after that post and how little thought did I give at the time to the possibility that life, for myself and everyone else, would tip upside down. 

Things could be worse. Things could always be worse. I've been trying to roll with the punches lately and stay positive, swimming and staying afloat. Always reminding myself that it could be worse. Compared to many others I am lucky. Everyone I know and love are healthy. I have a (beautiful) roof over my head and most importantly (unlike many others during this time) I still have a job. I still have a car and I can still afford groceries and take-out.

I will try not to use the C word as we have all been overstimulated with social media about it and honestly, I'm tired of hearing about it. But at the same time it's all that really matters at this time and I can't block out the news which is giving me important updates on things that will affect my life. Futhermore my entire job right now is advising clients about how to manage their employees during this surreal time of change (6 days a week, another reason I'm losing it, where is my me-time).

But as I was saying, I am currently on the verge of losing it. Why? Because my life is in hiatus and there's this immense cloud of uncertainty hanging above me (and everyone else). How long will this go for? Is it going to get worse? Will my parents' restaurant survive this? Will I still have my job at the end of it all? And most importantly, will we be able to escape the C? Like I said, I do try to focus on how lucky I am. Perth is one of the most isolated cities in the world! It's probably one of the best cities to be living in at the moment.

My chest tightens at the thought of it all though. I am stressed. Stressed from the new job, stressed from the idea that I might lose it (because I'm still on probation) and stressed about me and/or my loved ones getting sick. And stress does NOT help with the immune system which is super important during this time. And as I currently try to understand exactly why I am stressed I am also trying to find out ways to deal with it. 

Ever since the whole working from home thing started, and I started hearing the constant messages about social distancing and self-isolation... my life went into retrograde (hence the title). The gym was forced to close and I am no longer exercising. Now that I work from home I don't wake up (and go to sleep) early. I don't have a log-off time for work either. The work day ends whenever I feel like I have done all I can do for the day.  

The solution? I need to regain my life back. Because we don't know how long this is going to go on for. Instead of waiting for things to go back to normal, I need to create my new normal. A healthy happy norm. So here is what I am going to try and do, I am going to try and structure my life so there is down time away from my job. I will have a full Saturday off from now on and start/finish work off on Sunday mornings instead (and get afternoons and evenings to myself again). For the things I can't control, I will just have to learn to let it run its course. I'm not an extrovert so the whole social distancing thing hasn't been so hard on me. What did take a hit on me without me even knowing is I am a control freak. I need to feel like I am in control of my life and recently I haven't been in control of anything... so here I am... taking back (some) control.

Something I can do my best to control? My health: sleep early (10pm), wake up early (7am), meditate every morning and continue to drink lots of water. Although the gym is closed I'm going to structure a jiu-jitsu session with my brother after work from now on. Just because I am stuck at home (working from home) doesn't mean I can't structure it so I still have a work life balance. THAT IS WHAT I NEED. I thank this process every time. Feeling stressed and anxious at the start of writing but after I word-vomit everything onto here I leave relieved and clearer of mind. I really needed this me-time to just sit down and write. I hope all of you out there who are feeling the same as me, really take the time to sit down and write out your thoughts: Why? And go from there.