SHARE SOME GRACE WITH RACE

"If only closed minds came with closed mouths."

Saturday evening and a Caucasian woman in her early 30's walks into a Chinese restaurant. She is dressed up, but her hair and clothes are dishevelled. She sits down and orders a plate of food - $6.90. She then walks to the toilet and sits back down; she walks straight but her behaviour is odd. She starts flipping her hair into her face, then back again. She repeats this several times, scratching her scalp violently. There is a bottle of water and a cup on her table. She attempts to pour water into her cup but the lid is on. She holds the bottle upside down and starts thrusting it up and down in the air - in an attempt to pour the water out (with the lid clearly still on). 

The restaurant owner, a Chinese man in his late 50's walks over to help her. This man is my father. At 8.35pm I pick up a phone call from my father saying there is a woman who came into the restaurant drunk, has now started to sober up and says she has no money to pay for the food she ordered. She now refuses to leave the restaurant and claims my parents have stolen her bag. Their English is subpar so I race over in my car to help diffuse the situation.     

As I walk up to the entrance of the restaurant, outside is a dishevelled woman crying, makeup smeared across her face and hair tangled everywhere. I walk past her and straight into the restaurant to speak to my parents to try and understand the situation. At the counter was a young Caucasian couple in their early 20's paying for their bill. They then walk outside and attend to the crying woman who is now accompanied by another couple in their 60's who were walking past and wanted to help. 

I ask my parents what was wrong. They say the woman refuses to leave the restaurant. It's been a long day for them. They started at 8.30am and worked non-stop, and it is now nearing 9.30pm. They just want to close the restaurant and go home and rest. I asked them whether the young couple paid for the woman. They said no, my parents don't care about the money. It's only $6.90. They just want to go home. They are exhausted. But here is this girl yelling at them, saying they were liars and stole the woman's bag and saying it was illegal to have cameras installed in the restaurant that aren't recorded. They told me to speak to the young couple outside and see what is happening. 

I go to the front door and I speak to the boy and told him I have heard my parents' side of the story and I just want to understand what their side of the story is and hopefully resolve the situation. From past experience I know my parents can misunderstand situations because of their lack of English proficiency. He says that my parents tried to get the woman to leave, that her bag was stolen and they refused to show them the CCTV footage. I told them I would speak to my parents to understand their side of the story. 

My mother explains they did not tell her to leave and they don't have any recordings to show them because the cameras are only installed for the kitchen to be able to see how busy it is in the dining area. It is a live view, there is no recording. I translate this to the young couple. The boy claims my parents said they will remove the recording and told the woman to just let my parents go. Clearly miscommunication. 

My mother then explains they had tried to call the police to help the woman but no one picked up. The number she called was for the specific department in that area... not the emergency number. They tried to call the other non-emergency number but their English was bad and they didn't understand her. The girl says my parents didn't call the police because when she called herself there were no problems, they immediately picked up. She says that even if my mother did call, she doesn't know how long my mother was on the phone with them. Doesn't matter. What's your point. She continues to ramble, high on emotion - angry. I told her, "So you spoke to the police. What did they say?". Let's solve the problem here, not point fingers. 

"I gave them the details and they have a record". Okay. What's the problem? The girl continues to ramble without me even needing to say anything. 

"The cameras you have, they should have recordings! If they don't you should let the customers know that there aren't any recordings! The cameras give the customers a false sense of security! The customers will think there is a recording". This girl had told my parents that it was illegal to have cameras which do not record any footage and threatened my parents that they will get a fine. My parents being immigrants with poor English knew less about the law than the average Caucasian layman. This girl was pulling all sorts of legal bullshit and they felt bullied. Throwing out stuff about the law, about fines, and yelling, rambling non-stop. 

"It is not illegal to have cameras which do not have any recordings. There are no expectations set for customers that we record anything. There are no signs saying you are recorded. We are not obliged to explain to customers that they are not being recorded." I explain to her as she tries to speak over me. Rambling. Loud. Obnoxious. Meanwhile I was calm and my tone was levelled but oh, inside I was boiling. But my explanation shut. her. up. 

There was a lot of back and forth, a lot of allegations about my parents trying to kick her out. That as the restaurant owners they should help the woman because her bag was stolen in the restaurant. But my parents explained she came into the restaurant without a bag in the first place. She starts raising her tone again. Fuelled with emotions of self-righteousness. "Well, you should have asked her where her bag was when she came in!". No, they didn't have to. "She could have had money in her pocket. My parents do not have to ask her if she has money. That is an awkward thing to ask a customer". Again, that shut her loud obnoxious voice up. 

The old couple then speaks to me, tells me they will walk with her to the nearby police station and take her to the train station after, where her parents will pick her up. They asked me whether I was comfortable with that. "If she is comfortable with that, I am". The old man walks into the restaurant and speaks to my father and offers to pay for her meal. My father declines and tells him he doesn't care about the food or the money. He just feels victimised and hurt. The girl and woman are painting my parents out to be criminals. 

Meanwhile the girl continues to ramble on. Her big googly eyes magnified by her ultra-thick glasses as her short frame stood in front of me. Her emotions were extremely high. And so were my parents. I wanted to explain why my parents may have yelled at her. 

"...because you started raising your voice first - " 

"I wasn't raising my voice!" as she raised her tone, loud and clear at me.

"- it's like they are mute and they are trying to communicate a message across to you but they cannot so they get frustrated... You need to understand my parents' English is not good -" 

"Oh, ah, that isn't what I am saying." That you aren't being racist? I wasn't playing the racism card. Her boyfriend also jumped in to say the same thing. Both stuttering a bit. One word. Defensive. 

"- that is why I am here to translate," I explain, as I attempt to finish my sentence. 

She continues to ramble on, repeating herself. Still high on emotion of self-righteousness. 

The girl asks me for my parents' details. I ask her what for. She says to pass to the police. I said that's fine. I walk back to the counter and start writing down my parents' details and the restaurant name. Here we are, a brick-and-mortar restaurant, nowhere to hide. You can come find us whenever. We have a business to run and reputation to uphold. And that woman there, no name, no identity, eating free food and making a scene. The girl continues to ramble on at the side of my ear. "I don't know if there's anything illegal here. I study the law. But I think how your parents handled the situation was wrong!". Girl you are really testing me. "What was wrong? I'm a lawyer. I know what the law is. It isn't illegal to have cameras in the restaurant and not have recordings." 

"Oh you're a lawyer." She backs down a little. "No, I'm not talking about the cameras. I mean how your parents handled it. Her bag was stolen." "My parents didn't steal her bag." "You weren't here. You don't know what happened!" "They're my parents, I know them." She then looks at me and leans her head to one side with judgement. "Oh noooo, honey, sweetieeeee, you're a lawyer! You should know you shouldn't be taking sides!" F*ck off. Now you're just being really condescending and nonsensical at the same time. "I'm just here to translate." She continues to talk over me, saying how she is a witness. I continue to finish my sentence. "I'm a witness too. I know what their financial situation is. They have no motive to steal her bag. They have a business and a reputation to uphold. Why would they steal her bag." She continues to speak over me. "Oh, I'm not saying they stole her bag. I never said they stole her bag!" "Well, that's what my parents are saying you said to them." I handed her the slip of paper. "We are not solving anything here. Just take this," I told her. She shuts up, takes the slip and walks out of the restaurant. 

Meanwhile her boyfriend talks to me and thanks me for being so calm and understands there may have been some miscommunication. I emphasise how my parents' English is poor. How they are hurt too and feel like they are being blamed as criminals. He says he understands, that he was just eating with his girlfriend and saw the woman and wanted to help. I told him that is good, she's a woman all alone, I'm glad he helped. He apologised and wished us a good night. I thanked him for being understanding. 

This entire time my parents were rubbing their stomachs as I spoke to the girl because their guts were in physical pain from the anger they were holding down. If you know my mother you can vouch that she is one of the sweetest, loveliest ladies in the world. They felt helpless and victimised. They were being blamed as thieves with no way to defend themselves. My father didn't want any trouble and was worried that this woman was out to blackmail him for stealing her bag. He had a restaurant to open tomorrow morning. He was exhausted. He didn't want any trouble. But here was a woman who was probably on drugs. According to my parents the woman first came in (long before the young couple came to dine in), seemingly fine at one moment. After she finished her meal, she started scratching her head violently and sat there for a long period of time. When she asked my parents where her bag was my parents told her she didn't walk in with her bag. She then got up, walked over to the young couple's table (who had only just started dining in) and sat down and started talking and laughing with them. Then the next moment she is crying next to them and the girl starts her rampage and this is when the whole situation escalated. 

This is not the first time a Caucasian woman has walked into the restaurant acting like some kind of justice warrior. And this isn't to say all Caucasian women are like this. But it just so happens that when it does happen, they are the 'Karens'. The significance of the Caucasian element (in these specific justice warrior people) is that they feel like they know the law better than the Asians yet they refuse to acknowledge any language barriers. This is why I am thankful I studied law and it has proven useful in many life situations. The significance of the female element is she feels like a minority who has been continuously disadvantaged and is now out to save other females. The problem with this is they do so blindly and with no consideration of my parents' lack of understanding of English. The girl sees a Caucasian woman (who she can seemingly relate to) and rushes to her side to help her without seeing that my elderly parents with a lack of English proficiency are the real disadvantaged ones in this situation. People like her think they are a hero when in fact they become the privileged bully in these situations. This isn't even about racism. This is just about a poor understanding of people.

I hate bullies, those who hold an advantage over other people and use it to further their own agendas. My older brother asked whether I belittled her back. I said I didn't. It was not me. I didn't know how to. Belittling her did nothing for the situation. She was already high on emotion and aggravating her any further simply made me stoop to her level... and her voice was LOUD. And my voice has always been softer. I would not win if I stooped to her level and played her game. Instead, I countered with logic and reasoning, and each time it made her back down. To belittle someone or raise your voice is only a sign that you hold no substance or confidence in your own arguments. She clearly had no clue.

As Malcolm Gladwell says in his book, 'Talking to Strangers' (which I highly recommend you read): "If we were more thoughtful as a society - if we were willing to engage in some soul-searching about how we approach and make sense of strangers - [the stranger] would not have ended up dead in a Texas jail cell". The truth of the matter is, if the girl showed a bit more compassion and patience with my parents and sought to understand the situation instead of being so brutally loud and obnoxious with her own views, the situation would never have escalated to this point.