SEPTEMBER

Do you remember 

The [27th] night of September? 

Love was changin' the minds of pretenders 

While chasin' the clouds away 

Our hearts were ringin' 

In the key that our souls were singin' 

As we danced in the night, remember 

How the stars stole the night away  

- Earth, Wind & Fire (September)

I told him I was having a terrible day. He asked me why. I ranted to him the things that were going wrong. And he said: ah ok. Are you serious, is that it?... but other than that good day :) ? I couldn't help but smile at how ridiculous he was but how effective it was too. In a way it felt like he wasn't listening to me. In a way I knew he was playing. And in a way... it was an extremely clever way to get me to forget all about the negatives and focus on the positives. And I know him. In his playful dismissive way, he made me smile. Other than all those things I ranted about, yes it was a great day. I was breathing, I had a job, the weather was looking lovely (despite being stuck indoors for most of it). Lovely day :P I replied. 

And that's what I love about him - he challenges my thinking in so many ways, over so many different topics (religion, politics, societal changes, behavioural theories etc). My mum calls me an alpha. If I wasn't careful no man could ever get close to me. My mind is too strong, she says. I'm an ambitious woman and I'd sacrifice relationships, she says. You know she's right. But he challenges me and with him my mind grows stronger. They say never argue with a lawyer. Well he would. 

My bedroom wall still has Lady Gaga's quote plastered on it: "Some women choose to follow men, and some choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore." And it was my mantra for a while. That one time when my heart was shattered by another, I naively prayed for him to come back to me. I was the most religious I had ever become during that period. I whispered all the things I was willing to sacrifice just so he would come back to me... but when my career came to mind I couldn't bring myself to sacrifice that. Even with a freshly broken heart I was rational enough to know I would never sacrifice my career for a guy (especially for one who made the decision to leave). It was then that I realised I didn't love him as much as I thought, and maybe I would never love someone enough to... because one of the reasons I would ever love a man would be because he would never make me sacrifice my career. We would compromise.  

I'm still cautious now though, to ever sacrifice anything significant before you acknowledge each other as family is dangerous. But we are moving towards that. I see us as a team. If a decision doesn't benefit us as a team, it is not a good decision. Forget a relationship. Let's have a partnership and build an empire. I may be alpha and scare boys away but the true man will stay and support me in my goals. It feels good to finally find someone confident enough in who he is to let me stand tall without making him feel any less. "Younger than all my exes but he's such a man".

If I ever have a daughter I would teach her to be confident in whoever she is. The right person will stay. I would tell her not to sacrifice important (and she would have to make the judgment on what important is) relationships for career progression or money because you might end up rich and "successful" one day but lonely as hell at the end of it all. And by that point you'd think to yourself, what was the point of it all. Was it all really worth it? I would also tell her not to sacrifice what makes her who she is. If you define yourself by your career then don't give it up completely. Don't lose who you are for the person who can easily walk away. Be self-sufficient no matter how much you love the other person. People will value you (even subconsciously) by seeing how you value yourself.