DAYLIGHT

“I don’t wanna look at anything else now that I saw you… 

Now I see daylight. Only see daylight.”

- Taylor Swift (Daylight)

It’s morning now… Now 25, a quarter century old, it’s time for the annual pre-NYE reflections. Today, it’s just mine.

I never liked ‘winning’ - whether it’s winning lotteries or any other completely luck-driven competitions, because I have this weird idea about the balance in the world. Everything good that happens will be balanced out with the bad (and vice versa). You win some, you lose some. I don’t like the idea of winning lotto because I feel like this luck comes from a finite supply somewhere and afterwards you’d be hit with a string of bad luck.

What is the relevance of this on my birthday? Well, I feel like I have been so so lucky for so long. My family and I are happy, healthy and tight-knit. My friends are loving and supportive. I’m in a long-term, happy, supportive and stable (I could go on with the adjectives with this one) relationship. I own my own home. I’m working hard on my own business(es). I ticked the box of becoming a lawyer and I find my daytime job fascinating.

When I reflect on everything that I have and everything that I have accomplished, I can see why some people say I'm sorted. Because I kinda am… and it scares me. The more you have the more you can lose. At 25, I feel so put together. Quarter life crisis? None in sight. Because I made conscious decisions every step of the way so I wouldn't be faced with an existential crisis. I questioned everything. I ask myself 'why' all the time.

And not to self-sabotage but when I count my blessings I can’t help but worry that this is all too good to be true. I've been saying this the past three years now, during every reflection. A little doubt that this is all too perfect to be real but always reminding myself to just enjoy the bliss and be grateful and not to question it and whether or not I deserve it. And so I will. Work hard and play hard. Twenty-five. I look forward to the productive year ahead. Working hard on my dreams. I have big plans for you.

On another note, I cannot remember the last time I planned a photoshoot (albeit a short one). I have honestly lost the touch to dress up and 'pose'. Awkward is a good word to use here. I continue to love writing and expressing myself but as I get older I begin to hate planning these editorial style photoshoots where I am in front of the camera. You can see me taking snaps while on holiday but not back home. Having left it for almost a year (February was the last time I did one of these shoots), I have really lost the excitement of seeing myself in photos. I love being behind the camera more these days - directing. But maybe it's only because I'm a little rusty. Maybe I ought to try get back in front of the camera. That might be a resolution stepping into 25 considering I've only published 3 posts this year. 

Zara Dress /  TEMT White Crop Top / Lovisa Copper Earings / 
Lareina White Stiletto Heels / Christiaan & York Petite Verona White Watch